in absence, a presence
by Permanent
Summary: Keith deals with Shiro's absence as best as he can. multi-chapter fic.
1. Rocket

"Look at this beauty," Shiro exclaims. His eyes glistens with childlike wonder as he points out the massive space rocket. This rocket would send him and his two colleagues to the farthest known moon in their solar system, named after the three-headed hound of Hades. The name _Kerberos_ alone in Greek mythology sounds formidable, acting as the dutiful guardian of the unknown universe.

He looks at his junior pilot with bemused excitement. "Isn't she wonderful?"

"She's beautiful," Keith murmurs in agreement, taking in the awesome view of the future of space exploration. "I can't believe it, Shiro! You're the first pilot, uh, I mean—" he steals a glance at a small gathering of brunettes behind them "— _one_ of the first pilots to explore Kerberos." His small smile widens as he directs his full attention on Shiro, recalling one of their many conversations prior. "Shiro, your dream is coming true. I couldn't be more proud of you."

Shiro places his hand on Keith's shoulder, reminiscent of their shoulder touches throughout their time at the Galaxy Garrison. "You know, Keith," he speaks softly, his voice dropping to a kind whisper. "I'll be gone for a year. We've had some great times together. I'm going to miss you." He pulls Keith into a tentative embrace, which Keith returns gently.

"I'll miss you too," Keith says, his eyes growing forlorn. He blinks. He allows this vulnerability to elapse for some time before he removes himself from their hug. Keith internally berates himself for not holding on long enough, as it would be a long time before they could see each other again.

Shiro nods. "Don't get into trouble while I'm gone, all right?" He grins.

"You know it," Keith says. He gives Shiro a playful nudge. "I can't help it. It's part of who I am." Shiro gives him a questioning look, and Keith sighs, feeling a sense of guilt gnawing at him. "All right, I'll restrain myself. Just for you."

Shiro ruffles his junior's hair. "I know you do." Then he adds with a grin, "Calm down, I'm just kidding."

His chuckles and Keith's words of admonishment fill the sun-kissed atmosphere. The winds pick up a steady pace, setting the tone for the upcoming launch of the Kerberos expedition.

.

.

.

"No."

Keith stares at the monitor, his eyes blinking and gradually widening with shock. Within seconds, the rapid-fire chatter dissipates and uncomfortable silence crawls into the mess hall with growing dread. He stands fixed to the ground next to the server, gripping the tray of an awful amalgamation of what an average Joe would consider goop. His knuckles whiten. Like everyone else in the hall, his eyes are glued to the television monitor that flashes the latest news. The white-haired national news anchor's words—repeated verbatim from the teleprompt—are unflinchingly professional and seemingly too casual for the agitated viewer.

"No, no, no," Keith repeats to himself, as if he's practicing a hushed Gregorian chant in need of divine guidance.

He walks closer to the source of his distress, feeling something waver in his eyes. "That's not true." His breathing starts to accelerate; he feels as if he's about to die from a few looks of concern coming his way, Keith hurriedly departs from the mess hall before anyone can console him.

Displayed on the monitor are the three high-res portraits of Takashi Shirogane, Samuel Holt, and Matthew Holt with the ominous tagline:

.

 **KERBEROS MISSION DISAPPEARS PILOT ERROR.**

.

* * *

 **A/N:** Hi! I'm alive. Real Life took over (aka I finally graduated).

To the readers who wanted me to continue other fics — I'm sorry. I love these fandoms and characters as much as you do, but I can't bring myself to continue their stories. Perhaps one day.

I've been enjoying _Voltron: Legendary Defender_ so far. If you have not yet watched it, please give the series a chance. It's also my first time writing and publishing slash, so please be kind. (Yes, times have changed.)

I love Keith and Shiro, but mostly Keith.

Happy Boxing Day. Stay tuned for more.


	2. In Passing

"Remember, no matter what," Shiro murmurs, grasping his companion's hands. "Shiro loves you, baby." He looks at Keith with a wry smile, willing his calm presence to break through the teenager's icy exterior—his automatic guard that he raises around acquaintances and strangers alike.

Keith gazes upon the scarred face; it's the same face that he's carefully etched into his mind in his free time. Keith is usually touch averse to people, but Shiro is special. He doesn't budge when the man squeezes his unmasked hands, calloused and rough around their edges after months of fighting in close combat across space and time. All for him.

Keith's not the one for fancy words, so he simply replies with two words.

"Same here."

Shiro wouldn't have had it any other way, though.

The man plants a light kiss on the teenager's forehead. Keith flinches involuntarily, then relaxes.

"Atta," Shiro says warmly.


	3. Denial

The moment the Galaxy Garrison officially pronounces Shiro—and Matt and Mr. Holt too, Keith reminds himself, but _mostly_ Shiro—dead after an internal investigation into the ill-fated Kerberos expedition, Keith feels his body astral projecting itself to a different plane of existence beyond the physical confines of the Earth. He would have to confront a new existence, a new world without Shiro, and that to Keith is deeply painful and simply unfathomable. There is no one who could replace Shiro.

For Shiro was his guiding light, and all was good.

He had prayed to the deities despite his atheist tendencies to bestow Shiro with wisdom, strength, and most important of all, protection against all the evil. He had watched their rocket, representing the latest in technological advances by the Earth's most brilliant minds, begin their takeoff with understandable trepidation. When they had successfully cleared the Earth's changing atmosphere without deteriorating into debris, he had breathed a sigh of relief. He'd feared that the mission would become the second Apollo 13. Yet, he continued to follow the news with cautious optimism until the mission control received an all-clear message from the Kerberos' communications officer Matthew Holt.

The crew had landed safely without any sign of trouble on the farthest moon in the solar system.

 _Shiro's living his dream_ , Keith had thought to himself. _I should do what I can do to get there soon._

When he hears the Garrison's conclusions, Keith doesn't know what to do with these newfound emotions that have been boiling unceasingly within him and are just surging above his usual cool exterior. They feel eerily familiar.

It is only through deeper introspection that Keith realizes it is a repeat of when his mother abandoned him when he was a small child, effectively becoming orphaned.

"Are you okay?"

He looks up from his meal he'd been eating by himself and shakes his head. "I'm fine," he says curtly though his eyes betray his true emotions. He avoids her eyes in favor of narrowing his eyes at the food. "Thanks for your concern, though. How are you holding up, Katie?" he adds, remembering that two of her family members have also perished.

Katie Holt brushes a stray breadcrumb off her shoulder. She is an occasional presence at the Galaxy Garrison, despite not being enrolled as a cadet, due to her family connections. Keith reckons he's been seeing her around more frequently than usual these days, even though he usually does not pay attention to his surroundings.

"About as well as you, I'd wager. Just fancy," she remarks sarcastically.

The girl takes a cursory glance around the mess hall in search of potential eavesdroppers. She strategically places her hands on the table and leans in closer to Keith. He obliges, exhausted to care much about his personal space.

"I don't think they're dead, though," she whispers with an air of secretive conspiracy. "My gut tells me that they're still out there."

Katie conveniently leaves out her plans to hack into the Garrison higher-ups' computers later in the afternoon; it's not something that Keith needs to know. Ever since the announcement, everything about this situation is too suspicious. For starters, there is no way in hell that the legendary Takashi Shirogane would ever make a pilot error. He wasn't the top of his class for no reason. She would find the truth, no matter how much she'd have to sacrifice and how many times it takes.

"Ha," Keith retorts. "I'd like that to happen."

"I know," Katie replies, terse. "I can't accept it either." She stands up. "Well, I gotta head out before they find out I've snuck in." She fakes a cough, and Keith rolls his eyes.

Satisfied with her check-in, Katie walks away from the table to resume her mysterious activities. Keith shrugs and digs absentmindedly at his noodles with chopsticks, lost in his thoughts that are swirling in circles in his mind.

That is, until he hears a mention of Shiro's name in passing nearby.

"That was _so_ incredibly dumb of Shirogane to make a pilot error," a classmate drawls to his friend. "So much for being a legend. Guess he's not that hot stuff after all, huh?"

In a flash—Keith doesn't remember exactly what happened, his body moves on its own, it's all pure instinct—Keith grabs the provoker by their cuff. "Say that one more time," he snarls, his voice dropping to a dangerous low.

The cadet puts up his hands in mocking defense. "Whoa there! What's with you, hotshot? You in love with Shirogane or what?"

And before anybody knows it, Keith slaps the cadet's face and lets go of him. "Don't make fun of Shiro like that," Keith says coldly, his body retreating to a defensive mode. He raises his fists in the air, beckoning the other person.

He hears footsteps approaching and soon enough, a chant picks up steam. "It's a fight! Fight! Fight!" By now, the crowd is starting to gather around them. Keith's reputation as a hotshot is coming back to bite him in the ass. Not that he cares, though.

Only one thing remains on his mind: victory or death.

"Oh, now you're asking for it," the opposing cadet sneers, rubbing his warm face for good measure. He lunges and thrusts a punch at Keith, only to be met by a sudden swing at his face that narrowly misses his watering eyes.

Keith doesn't say anything. He aims another fist at the cadet's goddamn smug face—how dare he speak ill of Shiro, no one else knows him as well as I do—fully intent on obliterating the shitfaced grin and handsomeness off this so-called classmate—

He feels his fist grabbed by a sturdy, vigorous force in the mid-air.

"Keith Kogane."

Instantly, the gruff intonation sends chills down his spine. He knows exactly who's addressing him in this stern manner.

It's either victory or death, Keith wants to think to himself.

As if on cue, Shiro's words to him once upon a time come rushing back to him, sending him hurried assurances. He draws a sharp exhale. He forces himself to relax, loosening his knuckled fist into an uneasy palm, and salutes with his free hand. His opponent scrambles to do the same.

"Yes, sir," Keith utters, his face coloring with shame. What would Shiro think of this?

Commander Iverson looks at the shamefaced Keith, the unruly cadet, and the scene in the mess hall. They're both ugly and unsightly, dripping with sweat from their trade of blows and biting words. Nothing like the promising, upstanding recruits he'd hoped to mold them into since their first day at the Galaxy Garrison.

The commander barks out an order at the audience around them. "Move along, cadets! What're you looking at?"

The crowd collectively groans and disperses with reluctance, dragging their murmurs and mutters of yet another interrupted fight along with them. Keith was secretly relieved to no longer be the center of the attention. He never liked being looked at anyway.

Iverson turns on Keith. "You," he begins. "And you too. Get in my office, now."

.

The door is closed only a few seconds before the lecture begins.

"How many times have I told you not to start fights?"

"Uh, maybe a hundred times?" Keith shrugs nonchalantly, mentally noting that it is not his first time in Commander Iverson's office. "Honestly, I kinda stopped counting a while ago."

Commander Iverson closes his good eye, his patience running thin. During downtime when nothing exciting is happening, cadets sometimes trade stories about what had happened to the commander to make him lose his left eye. Keith idly wonders if it's a pilot error that ruined his eyesight. "One more incident like this, and you're out of the Garrison." He pops his eye open. "You're treading on dangerous territory, young man."

In an alternative reality, Keith would have gulped and taken the commander's threats seriously as he's only here on scholarship. But this is his current reality and Keith no longer gives a damn, especially now that Shiro is gone. Vanquished. Disappeared from this world. His one raison dêtre, no longer there.

"He started it!" Keith almost yells, jabbing his thumb at the cadet who's gone silent. "He was talking shit about Shiro!"

Iverson snaps in a way that they'd never seen, frighteningly so. "Don't talk back."

He takes a deep breath, carefully considering the impact of his next words. "I hate to tell you this. Keith, you're our most prized pilot. This is a black mark. Due to the multiple disciplinary violations and infractions despite our warnings over your time here…" He stares at the teenager, who suddenly understands where all of this is heading.

"Keith Kogane, you are expelled from the Galaxy Garrison, effective immediately. Do you understand me?" Iverson punctuates the last four words with an air of this is the final straw.

Again, in another alternative reality, Keith would have just sat there in shock, his eyes widening with sad desperation of a deer caught in the floodlights. Current reality Keith, though, feels indifferent. And angry.

"Oh, I can't take this anymore. Fine!" Keith lashes out, slamming the desk with his fists. "I get it. Whatever. _Hasta la vista._ I'm out." He slams the door behind him with the force that nearly knocks the wind out of everyone else, setting off loud vibrations throughout the office. The cadet winces and Commander Iverson groans, massaging his temple.

.

No one would miss him if he is gone, Keith realizes with a hard pang in his heart as he dashes toward his dormitory, his sole sanctuary. Only Shiro would.

And Shiro's not around anymore.


	4. Fingerless Gloves

Keith lies down in his makeshift bed—technically his couch—and stares at his black gloves stretched outward in mid-air in front of the broken ceiling. He tries to control his rate of breathing, trying to stop himself from falling further into depression and anxiety. The blinds are just turned slightly open, inviting slick blades of orange-red that flood into the shack he's just found in the desert.

Somehow, in this tiny room, the absence of a certain person grows more prominent. It is all that Keith can think about these days.

 _Don't think about him_ , he tells himself. _Don't think._

It is an impossible task. He thinks about him anyway.

On Christmas Day, days into his self-imposed exile at this mysterious shack he's discovered, Keith remembers Shiro.

.

.

.

On this day exactly a year ago they had been in Keith's single dormitory, and Shiro had swung by to wish him a hearty Christmas. An orphan, Keith lacked a home to return for the holiday season unlike other cadets at the Garrison. So he'd stayed, even as cadets left the base one by one. Soon, just a few days after the finals, the strangely comforting atmosphere of a ghost town permeated his temporary home.

Keith answered the knocks on the door, having memorized its distinct patterns by now.

"Hey Keith," Shiro said warmly. "Mind if I come in?"

Keith knew that Shiro had a real family back at home, and yet he couldn't help but feel comforted by the knowledge that Shiro had chosen to remain at the base for _him_. "Sure," Keith replied. "Sorry it's not much."

Indeed, his dormitory was hardly decorated. Keith hadn't bothered to outfit the trademark blue mattress with the bedding. All that remained of it was the barebones: a pillow and a single blanket. His customary red cropped jacket hung on the wall by the door. His other clothes were stuffed haphazardly into the drawers. None of that seemed to bother Shiro, though.

Shiro shook his head. "That's okay," he said. He sat down on the bed next to Keith, and Keith noticed a wrapped package on Shiro's laps—his Christmas present, perhaps? "I got you something," Shiro said with a twinkle in his eyes, as if to answer his junior's unspoken question. He handed his present over, and after a couple of lingering seconds Keith accepted it with some hesitation.

"Shiro, I feel really bad about this. I didn't get anything for you."

"Don't worry about it," Shiro exclaimed brightly, interrupting Keith's train of pessimism. "It's Christmas! Go on—you can open it."

Keith sighed at his cheerful senior and unwrapped the package with care. He let out an embarrassing gasp to his surprise. "Shiro! Those are high-quality fingerless gloves. How'd you know I wanted them?"

He felt a tug at him, and he turned around to meet Shiro's broad shoulders as Shiro pulled him into a loving embrace. "Merry Christmas, Keith," Shiro happily announced.

Startled, Keith slowly succumbed to his hug, burying his face into Shiro's warmth.

"Merry Christmas, Shiro," Keith sighed.

.

.

.

The memory leaves him with a faint smile on his face. Just as quickly as it materializes, it dissipates.

He transforms his gloved hand into a fist and holds it closer to his chest, listening to the hum of his heartbeat.

Keith misses Shiro dearly. It's not a Christmas without Shiro to remind him of all that is good.

* * *

 **A/N:** Happy New Year! Here's to an even better 2018.


	5. Guiding Light

Shiro was the first person who had accepted him wholly for who he was.

Shiro didn't ignore the trauma that Keith's broken family had created for him, and he never made excuses for Keith's abrasive behavior either.

Shiro was kind to him. He patiently mended Keith's emotional wounds with utmost care and he taught Keith, beyond piloting lessons, to appreciate the finer beauties of life. He inspired Keith to strive to be the best version of himself.

Shiro reminded Keith of who Keith was, before unavoidable circumstances tore away at his sensitive soul and raised his emotional barriers in front of everyone in his life.

Shiro was the first and so far the only person Keith had chosen to let into his life, and Keith never regretted every moment of their time together. He felt immediately at ease and comforted whenever he was around Shiro, as though he could pour out his fears and anxieties and not have to brace himself for judgment.

Only Shiro was allowed into his mind and the barest essence of his soul.

In return, Shiro allowed Keith to witness his rare moments of vulnerability, and Keith had felt extremely privileged to be one of the select few, if not the only person. From the beginning Keith had never seen him as the unbreakable legend as others did, ignoring their songs of overwhelming praise in private and whispered excitement whenever they saw him in passing. He only saw Takashi Shirogane as simply Shiro.

Shiro was special to Keith. And Keith knew he was special to Shiro, too.

After all, their relationship had to mean something.


	6. Reputation

_Please suspend your disbelief for ten minutes._

* * *

The first time they meet, it's pouring buckets of rain. At first they don't notice each other, and then they do. It's irresistible, really, when they've heard of each other.

The Galaxy Garrison Grapevine can be quite extraordinary, given their close quarters.

 _Oh, you're the legend._ Shiro.

 _Oh, you're the troublemaker._ Keith.

In an alternative reality, they could have crossed paths and not acknowledged each other. In this current reality, though, they know just about enough about each other to strike the iron while it's hot. Satisfy their curiosity, even if it kills their cats.

In a previous life—a decade, really—Shiro is a model student. He's now an officer, proudly reporting for duty and patiently teaching the next generation of pilots to traverse the lands and skies. His many exploits and victories as the fighter pilot have cemented his place as the pride of the stoic Garrison as their most celebrated alumnus and as the stuff of the legends among the younger recruits.

The first telltale sign of the troublemaker rears his head when Shiro goes outside in the rain to check on his hoverbike.

He spots a flash of a white-lined red jacket, and then—through the lens of the misty rain—he sees a lean figure straddling the cushioned seat of his beloved hoverbike. There is only one person he can think of who could be riding his bike—and it's a person that he last expects to meet on his day off, let alone in the drenching rain.

The person turns his head and Shiro's sure that this person's staring at him through his thick-veiled helmet. Without warning, the stranger starts the engine and sets off into the desert at a speed too fast for the officer to fathom.

"Hey, you!" Shiro yells, running after him and waving his hands in the air. No way in hell is this person getting away with this, with his beloved Kuro.

He looks around. An idea pops into his head just as quickly as he utters these words. Shiro mutters a guilty "Sorry, Matt" as he grabs the adjacent hoverbike. He hitches a ride on it. Its frame is smaller than what he is used to, but it'll do.

He's going to catch this troublemaker and reclaim his precious Kuro, at all costs.

.

Keith feels an abnormal gust of wind behind him. On instinct, he swerves around to avoid the potential collision and looks up from his handlebars.

It's the Legend.

Oh shit. Out of anyone's hoverbike he could've taken, it just had to be this person's. Why couldn't he have taken the other hoverbike instead? Now he is royally screwed because there is no way in hell he's getting out of this without any trouble.

He inhales. They are neck-to-neck in this chase. Keith awes at how fast yet in control this person is, to be able to catch up with him and not falter one bit.

 _Let's see what this guy can do,_ Keith thinks and he takes the hoverbike on a different spin, jumping off the rough terrain over a cliff. He amps up the speed, daring the other to meet the challenge as he lands soundly on the other side _. Can you take it?_

He can. And meet the challenge does the legend.

Keith watches the man grit his teeth in determination under the rimmed visor as he, too, speeds off the cliff without hesitation and, in mere seconds, lands just several inches from him.

A sharp "You!" punctuates the air.

Keith pulls his hoverbike to an abrupt halt. He's never seen anyone else from the Garrison catch up to him, let alone the proud fight pilot who's breaking and setting every record left and right. Somewhere in his heart stirs something. He just _needs_ to know who is this person. _The Legend, eh?_

"That—" the man stutters, removing his helmet. Now he could see the man panting, almost out of his league and yet not quite because he is so willing to come this far for his hoverbike.

But is it really about the hoverbike?

"—was incredible," the man finishes. His eyes are glossed with stars, his excitement transparent in his voice. "I've never seen anything like that."

He extends his hand as an invitation. "I'm Takeshi Shirogane, but you can just call me Shiro."

His astonishment soon settling into confusion, Keith bites back a well-trained retort. Somehow, this person is not like the legend he has imagined. And yet, something about this officer compels him to oblige.

Sighing, Keith switches his—Shiro's—hoverbike from manual pilot mode to hibernation mode. He disembarks and disables the visor on his helmet, not daring to remove it.

Shiro's eyes widen. Now he could see the thief's face, also covered with beads of sweat that somehow makes him look more handsome. These beads paled in comparison to Shiro's own, however.

Keith reciprocates the handshake. "Keith Kogane," he says with a curt nod. Then he scratches the back of his head, massaging his mullet hair that sticks out under the helmet. "Um… aren't you gonna, uh, arrest me or chew me out or something?"

The man laughs. Keith freezes in his spot, clearly not anticipating this response. "What? No! No way, why would I?" Shiro wipes tears from his eyes. "You haven't done anything wrong other than, ah, taken my Kuro on a spin. You gave me a thrill, and that's got to be worth something. I was getting bored at the Garrison."

Eyebrows raised in disbelief. "You were bored?"

"Oh yeah," Shiro confirms cheerfully. By now the rain's letting up and the sun is peeking through the dismal clouds. "I haven't been getting much of a challenge lately. You're the first I've had in a long time. Keith Kogane, was it?"

The person nods.

"I've heard so much about you."

"Wait, what?"

Out of all things that have transpired today, this is by no doubt the strangest.

The man laughs again, softer this time. "I was wondering who was breaking _my_ records in the flight simulations. I didn't imagine it would be the same person that everyone else keeps calling the troublemaker. You've got quite a reputation, you know."

Keith frowns, his lips pursed. "Hey, it's not like I go around looking for trouble. Besides, you're not all you're cracked up to be."

"Really?" Shiro challenges. "Since we're already here, why don't we switch bikes and go on another ride? I'll forgive you; I won't tell a soul." He pats his—Matt's—hoverbike, looking at Keith meaningfully.

"Why are you doing this for me?"

"Because I care about you, Keith. C'mon, let's go. Last person to the Garrison has to wash dishes!" Shiro pats Keith's shoulder, sending shivers down the teenager's spine, and grins. He runs for Kuro.

Keith realizes belatedly. "Hey! Wait up, Shiro!"

The cranking sounds of the engines, the whirr of the hoverbikes, and the ensuing wild laughter populate the desert, sending echoes throughout the dunes and cliffs. The clouds disperse, revealing the prism of natural colors—the first rainbow they've had in months.

Their fateful encounter catalyzes the first of the many, many experiences they would soon have.


End file.
